Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
