im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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