margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
