upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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