Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
