tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
