Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
