PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
