You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
