mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
