hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
50% drunk capacity currently
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
