my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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