What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize