My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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