WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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