If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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