Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
