Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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