After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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