I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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