It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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