I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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