I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
