Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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