So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i think my cat just said my name.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
