I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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