Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
