I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Randomize
