to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
