omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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