I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
time to smoke my breakfast
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
tell me about the fingering
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