I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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