I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
