My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize