Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
