How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
