Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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