only you would photoshop your dick
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
