Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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