So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
