i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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