Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize