I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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