All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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