She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
