a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize