dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
