He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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