that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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