Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
