I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
