I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
