please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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