god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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