We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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