wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize