The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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