Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
