just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
