: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i out mim tonsoeep
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize