mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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