Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
