Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
