just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Sober January is a disaster.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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