Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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