Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
