I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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