Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
