If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
