My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
