I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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