I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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