im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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