WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
